one misguided ghost

where no one knows my name

ninth

Anxiety comes in bursts now.

Something small sets me off.

Not sleeping either.

Wondering when I will get a hold on life.

Missing my bad habits.

Needing them.

Will I be something?

I shouldn’t question.

I should do.

Shoulds and fears never serve me well.

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eighth

I am tired of being depressed.

I have never felt like this in my entire life.

I have so much

I feel so little

Passionless existence is no existence

What I have left is for him and it is barely adequate

I miss my passion

I miss my fire

I want it back.

 

seventh

I wish the simplicity

would be less complicated.

sixth

maybe it’s just me

but i find it hard to shake off the memory of those odd idols from the past

those girls i wanted to be so badly

the feelings and their news creep back to me with such rapid circuity

i think it is only meant to hurt my ego

who knew i was so selfish to think their existence is just to stab me in the gut

i know they never think of me

i know they live their lives with presence and rigor

not to spite me

but when i see that that girl who never deserved it

is more fortunate, farther along than me

the knife goes deep

deeper than it should

twists around 

why do they all still haunt me

when will i be the one ahead of the game

the fortunate one

i thought i might have deserved it by now

but nothing is given

everything is worked for

and i have stopped working

i can’t start working if it is only to stab them back

them, those girls who i think may unconsciously remember me

i have to start working again for me

for me

for me

for me

fifth

I am desperately grasping at the edges of sanity 

Reaching for the corner of health

Searching for a glimmer of the passion i had for things before. 

I looked at pictures of myself yesterday from 6 months to a year ago. 

I looked happier, skinnier, healthier, better. 

My skin is rough and rigid like my soul has become. 

I am wallowing and continuing the cycle by speaking of it. 

If I don’t speak of it, will it stop? 

Everything is messy. 

Fourth

the hunger isn’t there anymore.

or isn’t there right now.

i wonder where it went.

i wonder if I should struggle through it.

i wonder if and when it will return.

i wonder if it will return. 

Third

I feel betrayal everywhere.

Sometimes it is real sometimes it comes from within.

My biggest betrayal is always to myself. 

I’m so over everyone. 

I don’t feel close to anyone, except maybe my love

I don’t feel close to myself

I feel distant and betrayed or bored.

I want it to end. 

Whatever this feeling is. 

I want to move on.