one misguided ghost

where no one knows my name

sixteenth

i don’t know what’s right in this.

i don’t have anyone to guide me.

i don’t have anyone to relate.

it’s right

it’s wrong

it’s somewhere in the middle

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fifteenth

please.

i know i am going through my own shit.

but i need the universe to help him.

just help him.

he has so much to give.

let him share it.

please.

fourteenth

nice guys finish last. they actually say that. so fucked up.

social media shows me the faces of many people who have been in my life when they needed me and are in my life no longer.

it’s amazing how selfish people are.

i don’t need them but i get frustrated with humans and how disgusting we are, me included.

…on that note…i really need to start thinking more positively.

i am eating myself alive with compare and despair.

thirteenth

i want to leave. i’m tired of the city. sometimes i dream of just living in some small town in the middle of nowhere for a while…not have to worry about anything for a bit.

twelfth

I started writing again. Something rare in this city: I have a storage space the size of a room in the sub cellar of my building. It has a lock and a key. My boyfriend and I made it into a bohemian oasis of silence and focus. I bought Ableton Push and downloaded Live 9 and I’ve started writing with it. It separates me from real instruments which I need right now because they present too many blocks. With the piano and my voice there’s so much expectation after so much time left to rust this year…I expect myself to come up with amazing things. It’s sad. I have a Steinway sitting in my apartment and I barely play it because I am paralyzed by my fear. The more I let my fear in the more frozen my hands become. Point being though, Ableton is just buttons and there is no expectation but to play and relish in the joy of discovery.

When I finish 3 songs I will put them on SoundCloud and find a name for myself that is suited to the person inside me.

Things are starting.

There is light.

eleventh

i can’t communicate with my parents anymore

i don’t know why

every time i speak with them my heart races

everything comes back to dark

and then i just can’t

i feel bad because they’re getting older

and i fear that

for them and for me

but i can’t seem to talk or relate to them.

two years

two years miserable and happy

wanting to go back and wanting to move forward.

tenth

if no one will keep me

it is only me who will keep me

he will always be my keeper

but the ones who i need to keep me

and validate my talent

never do

maybe all the good

is just white lies.

there is always someone better.